How to Make Friends in a New City — The Honest Guide for 2026

You just moved. Maybe to Konstanz for university, maybe for your first job, maybe for an Erasmus semester. Your apartment is set up, the city is okay — and you're sitting on the couch on Sunday evening with literally no one to text. If that's how you're feeling right now: you're not alone. A 2024 Bertelsmann study showed that over 40% of 18–29-year-olds in Germany feel regularly lonely — more than any other age group.

The good news: making friends as an adult is a skill you can learn. It's not innate, and it has little to do with how "interesting" you are. It's about structures, repetition, and patience. Here's what actually works.

Why It's Harder as an Adult (and That's Normal)

In school, your friends were just there. At uni, there were freshman week groups, flat-share hunting, faculty events — structured spaces where new encounters constantly happen. With your first job, these structures disappear. Colleagues are nice, but usually older or in a different life phase. Nobody "moderates" encounters for you anymore. You have to create the spaces yourself.

This isn't a weakness — it's the reality for mid-twenties to thirties. Once you understand this, you stop asking "why don't I have friends anymore?" and start asking "where do friendships even form these days?"

The Three Phases — Visibility, Repetition, Depth

Friendships form in three phases that can't be skipped:

Phase 1 — Visibility: You need to show up in places where other people are. Sounds banal, but 80% of loneliness comes from Phase 1. Anyone who commutes 5 days a week between home and office meets nobody new. Mandatory: at least 2 weekly appointments outside your apartment where similar people would be. Library, bouldering gym, language class, pub quiz, café with co-working.

Phase 2 — Repetition: Seeing a person 1× is coincidence. 3× is a pattern. 7× is the beginning of a friendship. Researchers call this the "Familiarity Principle" — we automatically like people more when we see them frequently, even without deeper conversation. That's why regular activities (every Tuesday volleyball, every Friday co-working) are so much more powerful than one-off big events.

Phase 3 — Depth: Only after multiple encounters does space for real conversations open up. Don't try to force depth in the first hour. Ask small concrete questions, invite someone explicitly for coffee once, stay patient. Deep friendships take 6–12 months.

Where Friends Actually Form — and Where They Don't

The honest truth: apps alone don't make friends. They're a tool that lowers the friction of the first step — so Phase 1, visibility. But friendship forms in repeated meetings, not in swiping.

What has historically worked, still works: shared activity with a low entry barrier. Bouldering, volleyball, improv theater, book clubs, language tandems, co-working cafés. The shared doing makes it easier to talk — nobody needs to manufacture smalltalk at an empty table.

What tends not to work: big clubs (too loud, too performative), pure dating apps (wrong context for friendship), mass events without follow-up dates (no repetition possible).

Concretely: The First 3 Months in a New City

Week 1–2: Write down 5 activities that genuinely interest you — not the ones you think should interest you. Find a local provider for each (club, café, app, meetup). Plan one thing for the first week.

Week 3–8: Do the same activity every week. Even if the first week was bad — go again. Remember Phase 2. Be the person who says "Hey, I was here last Tuesday too" — nobody but you will say it otherwise.

Week 9–12: Ask explicitly a few times. "Want to grab a drink after training?" "Are some of you doing anything this weekend?" Patience, but initiative. People who wait get forgotten.

What Not to Do

Don't use Tinder/Bumble for friendship. Even if the apps offer "friend modes" — the dominant use case is dating, and that warps the context. You'll either be misunderstood or get hookup energy back.

Don't try too much at once. One activity for 3 months consistently is better than 8 activities for 2 weeks each. Repetition > variation.

Don't wait at home. Nobody randomly rings your doorbell asking if you need friends. You have to get out, every week.

What Apps Like S'Up Do (and Don't)

We're not building S'Up so you can stick to your phone, but so you have less friction in step 1. If you don't know where people are this evening at 7 PM, you'll likely stay home. If you can see in 10 seconds "three freshmen are meeting at the 'Klimperkasten' bar, spots open" — the hurdle is lower.

But: the app doesn't replace actually going there. It doesn't replace coming back. It doesn't replace the patience of the first 3 months. Any app claiming "new best friends in a week" is lying.

Common Questions

How long until you have real friends? Studies (Jeffrey Hall, 2018) say: on average 50 hours for a "casual friendship", 90 hours for "friendship", 200+ hours for "close friendship". Spread over 3–6 months = 1–2 hours per week. Doable, but not in two weeks.

Is it normal to still feel lonely after 6 months? Yes, unfortunately. Most people underestimate how long real friendship takes. If you stay consistent after 6 months (Phase 2!) and still feel lonely — look at the Phase 1 activities. Maybe they're too sporadic or too big (>20 people).

Do language tandems actually work? Yes, for most Erasmus students in Konstanz it's the most effective tool. University of Konstanz has an official tandem program (SLI) — low entry barrier, 1-on-1 setting, mutual benefit, automatic repetition.

What if I'm introverted? Look for small group formats (4–8 people) instead of big events. Board game nights, book clubs, hiking groups. Introverts often make deeper friendships — they just need smaller rooms.

Konstanz specifically — where to start? University of Konstanz Hochschulsport (for students), city library events, Café Voglhaus (co-working café), Klimperkasten (student bar). Plus: the Bodensee promenade in summer is a natural meeting space — you just have to be outside.

Making friends is not a competition. Nobody gives points for "how fast." Be patient, be visible, be repetitive. In 6 months the city is a different one.